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About East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current | View Entire Issue (Jan. 7, 2021)
A6 RECORDS/COMMUNITY East Oregonian ‘How is Amy?’ MATT HENRY THE ROAD NOT TAKEN W hile taking a recent stroll along the Umatilla River paved walk, I came upon a friend. We exchanged pleas- antries for a minute, and then she began to ask me about my wife, a question I have come to dread. She began to ask a common, normal, well-intentioned, innocuous question: “How is Amy?” My best friend, the clos- est human relationship I’ve ever had, truly my better half in every way, my wife of almost 42 years, is a vic- tim of early onset Alzhei- mer’s disease. Symptoms began when she turned 52 and increased rapidly to the point that now, at age 63, she must reside in the memory lockdown unit at Juniper House where I attempt to get as close to her as possible through a COVID window. She, of course, continues to slowly degrade and disappear, both of us powerless to do any- thing about it. I took care of her at home until her condition wors- ened to the point of requir- ing around-the-clock med- ical care. At that point, for her own safety, she left our bedside empty and cold after 41 years. That was the moment when my spirit died. My very best friend, my other, better half, has gone for good. It may seem a bit hyperbolic to say that my life ended that day, but ask any widow or widower who had a lengthy, close relation- ship with their spouse and they may tell you the same thing. In short, while my body continues to carry on, life for me now is pretty much just going through the motions. It takes a great deal of effort just to get up and face the day, knowing that at some point the grief monster will get its pound of flesh out of me. As the psalmist says, tears are my daily bread. I’m not asking for your pity here; our loved ones die. I’m requesting thoughtful self-awareness, an audacious thing to demand of anyone. Due to the intense grief, pain and loneliness that her con- dition causes me, I try my best to stay occupied and avoid it for as long as pos- sible, that is, until some- one who knows and genu- inely cares about my wife asks the inevitable ques- tion: “How is Amy?” I try to restrain myself by giving a pat answer, but the very ask- ing plummets me instantly into the whirlpool of grief I try so hard to keep at bay from taking me under, and I find myself feeling peeved. What do they expect me to say? What do they expect to hear? “Miracle of mira- cles, she’s talking again! She still knows my name!” Don’t they know there’s no coming back from this path? “How is ...” I have come to realize is a horribly inap- propriate question for some- one facing down stage four renal cancer, a person whose house has just burned to the ground, or is well along the way on the “ride into the sunset.” But the asking of the question — again, with the best of intentions — always stings and tends to make me a bit peevish in my response. I’ve tried a vari- ety of them: “Well, she has Alzheimer’s disease” (an attempt to state the obvi- ous). “She’s still alive, phys- ically anyway” (an attempt to state that, no, the prob- lem isn’t that she’s broken her leg). Unfortunately, the pain the question causes has made me a little more blunt in my answer: “How is my precious wife? She’s dying a slow, brutal, uncompromis- ing, horrifying death, taking all who love her down with it.” Is that what you really want to hear — the truth? The root of the problem for me lies in our habit of asking the question more as a throwaway part of a greet- ing. It’s always a pertinent question to ask even if we waste it in the modicum of social propriety. I do this myself out of habit. “How are you, how’s it going?” when all I really need say is hello. So the answer also becomes throwaway with the usual, but often false, response of “Good! Great!” and now we can move beyond the pleasantries. My wife’s condition has come to reinforce this thought. So what’s a viable alternative? My friend on the river walk, Ellen, is a retired edu- cator and that may have given her the skills to intuit that which remains unsaid. As she began to ask me the question, she barely got the “How’s” out when she snapped her mouth shut. She paused before she spoke again, not with a question but a statement: “Matt, I walk with you and Amy in your pain. I’m always there when you need.” I was absolutely floored. At last, someone got it! She alone (thus far) has taken the road — my road — not taken. She intuited the pain her question would cause and redirected her kind intention through a state- ment instead of the inevita- ble, ubiquitous phrase that no one really cares about answering honestly. She said what she really, consciously wanted to express, friend- ship that joins me in my perpetual war against what Winston Churchill referred to as “the old black dog.” As many of Ellen’s friends know her to be the gracious angel that she is, she remains my sole exam- ple to the alternative, nor- mal, well-intentioned but cruel question — asking someone who may be in dire straits a throwaway but serious question as part of a casual greeting. In closing, I would like to suggest a few things. First off, I’m trying to train myself into not asking how someone “is doing” when all I really want to say is exactly all I should say, “It’s good to be in your company.” Ellen remains my model in this regard and I think it’s a good habit to cultivate, an oppor- tunity to bless rather than curiously inquire. Make a statement as your greet- ing, not a question. Finally, try your best to intuit where someone might be in their journey before you ask a question that could cause them unnecessary pain and resentment. Give thanks for educa- tors and be as self-aware as possible. It will be a help to those who may, unbe- knownst to you, be in a world of hurt. ——— The Rev. Dr. Matt Henry is a retired American Bap- tist/United Methodist pas- tor, who pastored the Pend- leton First United Church and now joyfully makes “hippie food” for the house- less at the Warming Station. UPCOMING SERVICES Thursday, January 7, 2021 OBITUARY Fe Forteza Edge-Uland Hermiston January 22, 1939 — January 2, 2021 Fe Forteza Edge-Uland of Hermiston, Oregon, was born on January 22, 1939, in Samar, Philippines, to parents Ricardo and Julia Lubos Forteza. She died on January 2, 2021, in Kenne- wick, Washington, at the age of 81 years. Fe was raised and attended schools in the Philippines. She mar- ried James Edge and later moved to Hermiston, Ore- gon, in 1983 and has lived here since. He died in 1986 and Fe later married George ington; brothers Abraham Uland, who died in 1998. She was a member of Forteza, Samuel Forteza, the Hermiston Seventh-day Julieta Pelaez and Elminda Ventura, all of Adventist Church Mindanao, Phil- and the Fil-AM ippines; grand- Hermiston Chap- children Ashlee, ter. Fe enjoyed Leeann, Julienne gardening, cook- ing, sewing and (Shane), Breanna reading. and Elisabeth; She is survived great-grand- children Olivia by her daugh- ters Madeilynn and Sloane; and Edge-Uland (Michael) Edge- numerous nieces, Ryan, Stock- nephews and ton, California, and Sherry cousins. (Mark) Hall, Pasco, Wash- Fe was preceded in death by her husbands, her par- ents, and siblings Ricardo Jr., Artemio, Nelsa, Cesar, Esther, Helen and Nori. A graveside service fol- lowing state guidelines will be held on Sunday, Janu- ary 10, 2021, at 1 p.m. at the Hermiston Cemetery, Hermiston, Oregon. Please share memories of Fe with her family at burnsmortuaryhermiston. com. Burns Mortuary of Hermiston, Oregon, is in care of arrangements. DEATH NOTICES Frances ‘Jean’ Calvert Chauncey Edmund Rife Stanfield June 5, 1932 — Dec. 19, 2020 Illinois Nov. 27, 1979 — Dec. 31, 2020 Frances “Jean” Calvert, 88, of Stanfield, died Saturday, Dec. 19, 2020, at her home. She was born June 5, 1932, in Brumley, Missouri. A family gathering was held. Burns Mor- tuary of Hermiston is in care of arrangements. Share memo- ries with the family at www.burnsmortuaryhermiston.com. Chauncey Edmund Rife, 41, of Illinois, died Thursday, Dec. 31, 2020, in a trucking accident. He was born Nov. 27, 1979. Arrangements are with Pendleton Pioneer Chapel, Folsom-Bishop. Verlyn Paul Schulz Reberiano G. ‘Rebe’ Ibarra Sr. Stanfield Feb. 8, 1953 — Jan. 2, 2021 Reberiano G. “Rebe” Ibarra Sr., 67, of Stanfield, died Saturday, Jan. 2, 2021, in Hermiston. He was born Feb. 8, 1953, in Tullio, Zacatecas, Mexico. A private family rosary and funeral mass will be held, followed by a private fam- ily burial at the Hermiston Cemetery. Burns Mortuary of Hermiston is in care of arrangements. Share memories with the family at www.burnsmortuaryhermiston.com. Elsie C. Melton Hermiston Dec. 13, 1940 — Jan. 1, 2021 Verlyn Paul Schulz, 80, of Hermiston, died Friday, Jan. 1, 2021, at his home. He was born Dec. 13, 1940, in Par- sons, Kansas. A private family service will be held, with a private burial following at the Hermiston Cemetery. Burns Mortuary of Hermiston is in care of arrangements. Share memories with the family at www.burnsmortuaryhermis- ton.com. Kenneth Cosmo Zampelli Sr. Milton-Freewater Nov. 25, 1945 — Jan. 3, 2021 Adams Dec. 22, 1937 — Dec. 30, 2020 Elsie C. Melton, 83, of Adams, died Wednesday, Dec. 30, 2020, in Kennewick, Washington. She was born Dec. 22, 1937, in Mandan, North Dakota. Burns Mortuary of Pendleton is in charge of the arrangements. Kenneth Cosmo Zampelli Sr., 75, of Milton-Freewa- ter, died Sunday, Jan. 3, 2021, in Walla Walla, Wash- ington. He was born Nov. 25, 1945. Munselle-Rhodes Funeral Home of Milton-Freewater is in charge of arrangements. Our elderly residents need support ADDITIONAL RESOURCES OF SUPPORT ROD HARWOOD FILLING YOUR DAY WITH MEANING T he past year has been challenging for all of as we have adjusted and learned to cope with living our lives through this pandemic. It has been more than just a public health crisis. This crisis has impacted us across the spectrum of our entire well-being — physically, mentally and spiritually. Many of the routines and activities we look to for support, such as attending our places of worship, connecting with those we care about through social and fam- ily gatherings and holi- day traditions, have been disrupted. It has been particularly devastating for our elders. Eight out of 10 COVID- 19 deaths have been in adults 65 and older (CDC). In addition, we already know there is a connec- tion between loneliness and increased risk of pre- mature death, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety and suicide. The social iso- lation needed to stay safe has heightened that impact even more. This has led to other challenges con- tributing to their suffer- ing. Many of our elders say they feel a lack of a sense of meaning and purpose, along with no sense of joy in their day. So, how do we fill our day with meaning? I found it helpful to seek guidance from the very same elders we want to • OHA Safe + Strong Helpline, 800-923-4357 (800- 923-HELP) Linesforlife.org • Oregon Senior Peer Outreach, 833-736-4676 • Senior Loneliness Line, 503-200-1633 support. Their life expe- riences have conveyed much wisdom for navi- gating life’s difficulties while holding on to the best of us through them. One such person was Sis- ter Columba, who I got to know while serving as a chaplain at St. Anthony Hospital in Pendleton. She was a Franciscan sister, who had committed her entire life to the minis- try of health care in East- ern Oregon. She taught me about commitment to care by showing up to help others even while strug- gling myself. I witnessed her working well into her 80s. I learned from her, and other seniors I worked with, that filling the day with meaning includes doing activities where you feel productive and valued. They did this by find- ing a goal for each day — any size goal — and tack- ling it with intention. The goal could be outward facing and helping oth- ers in need, or it could be inward facing, like tak- ing a small walk to stay active, or stretching for exercise while confined to a bed. Knowing we can set our minds on something and complete it helps our sense of productivity and meaning. It doesn’t mean we need to focus on the big meaning of lofty ques- tions, but rather engage in day-to-day activities. It is important to show up each day offering something that is valued by others. Our social isolation has also made us keenly aware what it means to be discon- nected from what is most important, whether it is a person, place and role we play or activities of which we are a part. The times of loss of those relation- ships threaten our sense of meaning, and our joy is replaced with sorrow. This leads us to the second lesson I’ve learned from elders. They know how to adjust to changing condi- tions — letting go of what they lost and allowing their lives to be transformed into something new. For exam- ple, Sister Columba suc- cessfully navigated her life changes moving from Ire- land to the United States. Over the years, she transitioned from nurse to manager to patient visi- tor, letting go of old roles and finding a new sense of meaning and purpose in the next stage in life. Other elders I’ve known responded with similar flexibility to life’s chang- ing circumstances. That does not mean ignor- ing the emotional toll of those changes. On the con- trary, the successful tran- sition into our new con- nections greatly depends on our ability to acknowl- edge what we have lost, make room for the feelings that brings, then moving through them and adjust- ing to what new comes our way. That includes a willingness to make new connections. Each loss helps us put into practice our life les- sons. Since elders have managed a lifetime of change, loss and triumphs, they have much to teach others about managing the difficulties of these times if we are wise enough to listen. Finally, there are times when we feel isolated and alone, like our sense of loss is overwhelming. The dreams you had to keep you alive and motivated for living now may seem to have disappeared like last night’s sleep. One way to help find light when it all seems dark is exercis- ing the practice of grat- itude. Each day, name three things you are thank- ful for. Include in that list the lives of those elders who are part of your life. Studies show this prac- tice helps rewire our brain so we begin to see light where before we only saw darkness. While our elders need our support, their life example and words of wis- dom can help provide guid- ance as well as we navigate our journey together. If you are grateful to an elder for teaching you an important life lesson, let them know. You will both benefit from the conversation. ——— Rod Harwood is an older adult behavior coor- dinator with Greater Ore- gon Behavioral Health, Inc. serving Eastern Oregon. He is one of 24 specialists supporting a statewide ini- tiative providing behav- ioral health for older adults and people with disabili- ties in local and regional community mental health programs. THURSDAY, JAN. 7 LOTTERY No services scheduled FRIDAY, JAN. 8 HOFFMAN, MARY — Graveside service at 2 p.m. at Skyview Memorial Park, 70116 S. Highway 395, Pendleton. TOLAR, MICK — Graveside service following state guidelines at 2:30 p.m. at the Echo Cemetery. SATURDAY, JAN. 9 WHITE, ALVERDA — Services at 10 a.m. at Pendle- ton Pioneer Chapel, Folsom-Bishop, 131 S.E. Byers Ave., Pendleton. Monday, Jan. 4, 2021 Megabucks 05-17-24-26-32-47 Estimated jackpot: $6.6 million Lucky Lines 02-07-11-13-18-22-27-31 Estimated jackpot: $74,000 Win for Life 02-06-28-33 Pick 4 1 p.m.: 8-7-3-4 4 p.m.: 3-3-1-1 7 p.m.: 3-4-7-2 10 p.m.: 2-4-8-7 Tuesday, Jan. 5, 2021 Mega Millions 20-43-51-55-57 Mega Ball: 4 Megaplier: 2 Estimated jackpot: $432 million Lucky Lines 01-06-12-14-19-21-28-30 Estimated jackpot: $75,000 Pick 4 1 p.m.: 6-5-1-4 4 p.m.: 5-3-6-8 7 p.m.: 2-5-4-1 10 p.m.: 7-6-6-1 Wednesday, Jan. 6, 2021 Pick 4 1 p.m.: 9-7-8-8